Why People May Decide to Leave Their Partners After Marriage and Having Children

The decision to leave a spouse is a complex blend of emotional, psychological, and sometimes situational factors that often evolve over time. While the initial stages of a marriage might be filled with passion and infatuation, these feelings frequently dissipate as the reality of married life sets in.

Phases of Marriage: From Enchantment to Challenge

Marriage often begins with a phase where the chemistry is high, sometimes mistaken for a deep and enduring romantic love. This initial euphoria, driven by brain chemistry changes, may mask underlying feelings or the inherent imperfections of the partner. As time passes, this high fades, and the reality of the couple's shortcomings becomes more apparent.

The honeymoon phase, characterized by intense joy and excitement, is typically followed by the conflict phase, where the couple faces the reality of their relationship. This phase can be challenging as both partners grapple with their emotional reactions and deal with any unresolved issues. Failure to address these emotional reactions can exacerbate conflicts, leading to a distancing phase known as alienation.

During this alienation phase, couples may experience a temporary peacefulness as they separate or become estranged. However, it is during this phase that mature couples often reflect and decide to accept their partner's flaws and work together to maintain the relationship. This is 'mature companionate love,' which takes about 20 years to achieve and is only realized in 12.5% of marriages. A smaller percentage of couples achieve this level of relationship in a shorter timeframe, but even they face continuous challenges and struggles.

Emotional Maturity and Relationship Success

Entering marriage while still in the 'in love' phase, many partners expect their lives to be filled with passion, companionship, intimacy, and friendship without significant effort. However, as the passion fades, and partners notice flaws or behaviors that trigger buried fears or pain, the relationship can become strained. Many could navigate these challenges successfully if they worked on their emotional maturity. Conversely, some individuals lack the necessary emotional maturity to handle relationship issues, leading to premature divorce or relationship breakdown.

The renowned psychiatrist Fred Rogers once said, "Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is right here and now." Emotional maturity is crucial in accepting and embracing partners for who they are, rather than attempting to change them.

Conclusion

Marital breakdowns are often a result of a combination of emotional and situational factors that come to light over time. While not every relationship can or should survive every challenge, recognizing and working on emotional maturity can significantly impact the longevity and success of a marriage. Accepting and loving one's partner for who they are requires active effort and an understanding that true love involves striving to understand and accept one's partner in their current reality.