Understanding the Devaluation Stage in Narcissistic Relationships: Triggers and Personal Examples
Entering into a relationship with a narcissist can be an emotionally distressing experience, especially when you encounter the devaluation stage. This phase often follows the initial idealization phase, when the narcissist excessively flatters and idolizes their partner. During devaluation, the narcissist may suddenly turn on their significant other, and this happens for several reasons. Understanding these triggers not only helps in recognizing the situation but also in taking steps to protect your mental health.
Triggers for Devaluation Stage
The devaluation stage in a narcissistic relationship can be triggered by various factors. Here are some of the common triggers:
Perceived Criticism
One of the most significant triggers is perceived criticism. Narcissists have a high sensitivity to even the faintest criticism, viewing it as a direct threat to their self-image. This is because they thrive on external validation and deriding criticism can be a fatal blow to their ego. For example, a common scenario is when a partner comments on the narcissist's texting with an ex. Instead of acknowledging the concern, the narcissist might brush it off by saying, 'You’re just being overly sensitive.'
Loss of Control
Narcissists often feel a need to maintain control in relationships. When they perceive their partner as gaining the upper hand, they might respond by devaluing the individual. For instance, if a partner starts to set more boundaries or express a preference to discuss certain topics, the narcissist might accuse them of being controlling or unreasonable. This accusation aims to subdue any challenges to their perceived dominance in the relationship.
Inconsistencies in Admiration
Narcissists typically require relentless admiration and validation. If the partner begins to show less adoration or stops validating them constantly, the narcissist might feel slighted and start to devalue their partner. The narcissist might accuse the partner of being ungrateful or insincere, pushing them further away.
Comparison with Others
Another factor that can trigger devaluation is when the narcissist believes that their partner is being unfavorably compared to someone else, like an ex. If the partner occasionally shares positive memories about their past relationship, the narcissist might react by saying things like, 'They were so much better than you.' This comparison effectively undermines the current relationship by highlighting perceived shortcomings.
Personal Examples
To illustrate these triggers, here are a few personal examples:
Example 1
A partner might express concern over the amount of contact the narcissist has with an ex. If the narcissist feels criticized, they might respond by belittling the partner’s concerns, saying, 'Why do you even care? You just want to control everything.' This reaction not only dismisses the partner's feelings but also deflects any potential discussion about the relationship dynamics.
Example 2
If a partner begins to set boundaries, like not wanting to discuss their ex, the narcissist might react by accusing them of being controlling or unreasonable. This reaction diminishes the partner’s perspective and reinforces the narcissist’s own superiority, often using dismissive language such as, 'You’re always trying to exert your will on me. I'm the one in charge here.' Such responses can escalate the tension and further isolate the partner.
Example 3
A narcissist may initially shower their partner with affection but if the partner starts to assert themselves or express independence, the narcissist might begin to criticize them. For example, the narcissist might start saying things like, 'Why do you need to make such a big deal about this? I'm the one who matters here. You're just trying to stir up trouble.' These criticisms are designed to undermine the partner's autonomy and reassert the narcissist's dominance in the relationship.
Understanding the dynamics of narcissistic relationships can be challenging and painful. If you're experiencing devaluation, it's important to prioritize your mental health and consider seeking support from friends, family, or a professional therapist. They can help you navigate the complexities of the relationship and provide strategies to protect your well-being.