How Would You Handle a Tiny Cereal Critter?

Imagine finding a tiny creature in your cereal. What would you do? Would you keep it as a pet, or gobble it up like a delicious snack? Here’s how Cheerio would handle the situation, with a mix of dark humor and practical—and not-so-practical—ideas.

Adequate Action or Accidental Consumption?

First off, would I even notice a tiny being in my cereal? Probably not. While I do check the occasional bite, I don’t thoroughly examine every mouthful. So, there’s a good chance I’d end up consuming it, much like any other non-existent food item. If I did spot it, my empathetic side would kick in. I’d try to remove it and clean it off, but then I’d call the local TV station to report the contaminated food. From there, I'd issue a recall to protect others from a similar fate.

No Circus or Collection

Unlike some people with extravagant collections, I lead a relatively simple life. During my younger days, I would collect spiders and keep them in a jar. These arachnids were ruthless by any standards. They even created their own webs, separate from each other. A forgotten spider friend could maybe assist in saving the innocent spiders from the jar. But now, I wonder if I’d consider you, the tiny cereal creature, for such a noble task. I might even burn off one of your appendages just to make sure it’s fair.

Theoretical and Practical Considerations

Many have discussed what would happen if a creature were shrunk to the size of Ant Man. Scientifically, your density would increase, putting extreme pressure on your surroundings. Any container would likely be unable to hold you, leading to potential damage to the surrounding environment. Furthermore, you would rapidly suffocate as the required air pressure becomes unattainable. Martin Bayer’s idea of putting you in a Tupperware container is, unfortunately, a fallacy. The tiny being would either die before being noticed or suffocate to death immediately after.

Entertaining or Terrible?

There are purely morbid ideas as well. I’d fish you out, put you in a Tupperware container, and use you as a sideshow in my circus. Alternatively, I’d eat every bite of my milk-soaked cereal until you were at the bottom of my empty bowl. I’d ponder all the fun I’d have plucking you out and enjoying my new toy—a living tiny human toy to do with as I please. You’d have to do as I say or face the consequences of being squashed into a stain beneath my bare feet. Nature lovers, you would spend time licking my toes clean, exploring the vast areas of my body, and perhaps even providing service in between them.

While these ideas might seem entertaining, it’s important to approach the discovery of a tiny organism in food with caution. Food safety is paramount, and any discovery should lead to immediate action, not a game of survival or mutation.